Tuesday, December 29, 2015

Life With an Only

YEAP...JUST THE ONE
LIFE WITH AN “ONLY”

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“Mom, why did you only have one child?”
The dreaded question we moms of “onlies” know we will face someday.  
“Well son, because the day you were born I took one look into your eyes and realized you were absolutely perfect and I would never need another.”
“Hmmm...is that why Abuelita and Abuelito had so many?  And Grampa and Tita too?”
I guess that’s a logical deduction from a grown man that happens to be trapped in the body of a six year old boy.  Six.  That is when the question came for me, and though my son was perfectly satisfied with the answer, hours of soul searching, joy, and even sheer agony would soon follow for me.
I am the oldest of five children, and I grew up surrounded by siblings and cousins.  As long as I can remember I dreamed of being a mother.  I saw many of my friends have children well before me, and every time I heard one of their sweet babies call for them I longed to hear the word “mama” directed toward me.  I wanted to see little arms reaching for ME.  I wanted to hear the laughter of MY baby running after ME.  I wanted to be loved that way.  In the journey of life I have known incredible joy, and devastating pain.  I have loved and been loved.  I don’t regret many things, just one really, that I hold deep in my heart and live with to this day.  That’s a different story, one I may never be brave enough to tell.  My path to the boy that would change my life forever was long-winding.  From the moment he started growing in my womb I anticipated looking into his eyes.  Then he came when I was thirty-two. He was born via C-section and in quite a dramatic fashion.  I was rushed into emergency surgery after over thirty hours of labor.  That part I would rather forget.  When I finally got to hold him I could not hold back the tears.  I knew the moment he looked at me that he would love me and need me always.  Raising him has been exhausting, overwhelming, fun, crazy, new, and so many other feelings that I could easily fill page after page.  I have so many funny stories, sad stories, exciting stories that are forever written on my heart.  Motherhood has been amazing.  Orion is my sunshine and my storm.  He has shown me pure and unconditional love.  He has given me all of his heart, and I hope he always will.  
The day I realized that I would likely not have more children took me by surprise.  It was as if I was busy living my life and one day, out of the blue, something came crashing down, and it crashed right on top of my heart.  I put my three year old baby to bed and fell to my knees.  I cried as if someone close to me, someone irreplaceable had suddenly died.  I sobbed.  I ached.  I couldn’t breath.  I had thoughts of my daughter flooding my brain...the day she was born, the day she took her first step, the day she went to school, the day she fell in love...the day I placed a veil on her head.  I was saying goodbye to someone I had never met, yet loved.  I was saying goodbye to the dream of seeing Orion be a big brother.  All of a sudden the question that everyone feels entitled to ask bothered me.  It hurt me.  “When are you having another one?”  Well intentioned, I’m sure.  
“Oh, I’m not having more, just the one.”  
“Oh, no he’s going to be spoiled.  Only children are always spoiled.”
“I don’t think so.  It depends on how you raise them just like any other kid.”  
Or, “Awe, he’s going to be so lonely.”
“He’s got cousins…”
“That’s not the same.  He needs a brother or sister.”  I confess that last comment still pulls a string in my heart.  I cannot imagine my life without my siblings, and it saddens me to know that my son won’t have that.  After my mini breakdown these questions took on a different face.  I started surprising myself at my defensive responses, when in past occasions I would just smile.  The thing is, after you hear the same question from your neighbor, from your friends, from your family, from the cashier at Ralph’s...it gets kind of tiresome.  Now, I have my age as an excuse and it’s almost comical.  “You only have one?”  “Girl,yes..I’m almost forty-two…”
“Ohhhhh...yeahhhh…”  That’s it.  That’s the comments I get now.  I’m quite relieved really.
Another conversation that has changed is the one I have with my son.  
“Papa, are you sure it’s alright that I didn’t have any more babies?”
“For sure mom.  Babies whine and kids are annoying.”
Perhaps not the healthiest response, but I’m sure his path will start winding much like his mother’s has.  
JUST THE ONE became a choice I could live with, and now embrace.  I’ll always have these wonderful memories, these amazing conversations, and the joy of the first time I held him, the first time I stared at him...and here I am staring at him still, nine years later.  My one and ONLY.